Aimlessly Provocative

April 22

I’m feeling so good lately. Things have been looking up. I’m finally learning to appreciate life. And I’m proud as hell to say its been almost a month since I’ve cut. I think school was the best decision I could have made for myself,it’s put me back on the right track. Finally things are coming together into a life I look forward to every day. Yes times still get tough and there are things I still need to change but for once I feel like they are worth changing. It’s a great feeling just being alive☀

March 4

blood

Tonight I realize there is no happiness there is no anyting anymore just the blood that is dripping down my leg making me realize im human. Today we are done today we are finished I have cut myself for the last time for you! I give up its not real its pretend this life you make me live. I give up because this is my choice Im letting you go no time to explain im late Im Late IM LATE IMLATE!

February 21
I sit here with the thought , the urge to take all my meds and freeze to death in my car. The one thing that keeps me from doing it is the thought that I’ll fuck it up again and end up in some hospital. Nothing is working anymore. I feel like the tiniest person sitting in a corner in the dark waiting for the end of my world. Have a really ended up here again. How does someone feel like they have come so far yet really just been stuck standing still. Did I get off at the wrong exit and end up back at the beginning. If a picture could say a thousand words what would they say about a picture of me, would they see me the deep down insecure person on the verge of ending it all or would they see that fake smile and be fooled like everyone else. I am what I am and I am stuck being me.

I sit here with the thought , the urge to take all my meds and freeze to death in my car. The one thing that keeps me from doing it is the thought that I’ll fuck it up again and end up in some hospital. Nothing is working anymore. I feel like the tiniest person sitting in a corner in the dark waiting for the end of my world. Have a really ended up here again. How does someone feel like they have come so far yet really just been stuck standing still. Did I get off at the wrong exit and end up back at the beginning. If a picture could say a thousand words what would they say about a picture of me, would they see me the deep down insecure person on the verge of ending it all or would they see that fake smile and be fooled like everyone else. I am what I am and I am stuck being me.

January 15
I never thought Id be in the place where I am again. Sitting in the shower crying with a razor blade in my hand. Before the cuts were open in view a cry for help maybe. Now they are hidden simple wounds that can be brushed off. I wonder if I was just blocking it all before trying to make people happy showing a face of determination or maybe I just kept it just out of view under the surface waiting to come back. Do I belong back in a place with people like me. But its no comfort there either. Every though every cut they lead back to one cry, one need for something I will never have. Im beginning to wonder if this has been there for years and its just become so overwhelming that its seeping out of the vault I keep it all in. I feel it the sadness that never seems to be calmed or comforted. I open up about the little things the things that cause me to think about the bigger thing. Maybe I do this because I know people need to hear something so I give them the fake the little of the worse. I need something people will never understand. Ive needed it for almost 10 years now maybe even longer. Its this dark hole inside me that can’t be fixed can’t be filled and wont ever go away. But I like my dark hole its full of memories and its empty just like me at the same time. Its quiet and it doesn’t judge me. Thats why I like the darkness because no one can see you cry. Because no one but the darkness understands. Im not me, me is huddled in the corner of the darkness watching someone else live a life I can’t.

I never thought Id be in the place where I am again. Sitting in the shower crying with a razor blade in my hand. Before the cuts were open in view a cry for help maybe. Now they are hidden simple wounds that can be brushed off. I wonder if I was just blocking it all before trying to make people happy showing a face of determination or maybe I just kept it just out of view under the surface waiting to come back. Do I belong back in a place with people like me. But its no comfort there either. Every though every cut they lead back to one cry, one need for something I will never have. Im beginning to wonder if this has been there for years and its just become so overwhelming that its seeping out of the vault I keep it all in. I feel it the sadness that never seems to be calmed or comforted. I open up about the little things the things that cause me to think about the bigger thing. Maybe I do this because I know people need to hear something so I give them the fake the little of the worse. I need something people will never understand. Ive needed it for almost 10 years now maybe even longer. Its this dark hole inside me that can’t be fixed can’t be filled and wont ever go away. But I like my dark hole its full of memories and its empty just like me at the same time. Its quiet and it doesn’t judge me. Thats why I like the darkness because no one can see you cry. Because no one but the darkness understands. Im not me, me is huddled in the corner of the darkness watching someone else live a life I can’t.

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I go out of my way to do shit for people and get the ass end of shit all the time. Yes Im a bitch and haven’t learned yet when to keep my mouth shut but fuck those people who havent learned that its just who i am if you cant handle it get the fuck out of my life! Totally done trying to be someone im not. Learn to love me or get the fuck out! The only person I will except “im disappointed in you” from is my mother so other people who think they can say that watch the fuck out!

I go out of my way to do shit for people and get the ass end of shit all the time. Yes Im a bitch and haven’t learned yet when to keep my mouth shut but fuck those people who havent learned that its just who i am if you cant handle it get the fuck out of my life! Totally done trying to be someone im not. Learn to love me or get the fuck out! The only person I will except “im disappointed in you” from is my mother so other people who think they can say that watch the fuck out!

December 30
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October 13

A Woman’s Worth

“A Woman’s Worth”

You could buy me diamonds
You could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Baby you know I’m worth it
Dinner lit by candles
Run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last and last
Baby you know I’m worth it

Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just dough but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will and she can find a man who knows her worth

Mmm
Cause a real man, knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can’t deny a womans worth

If you treat me fairly
I’ll give you all my goods
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby I know you’re worth it
If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I’ll hold you down when shit gets rough
Cause baby I know you’re worth it

She walks the mile makes you smile all the while being true
Don’t take for granted the passions that she has for you
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will and she can find a man who knows her worth

Oh
Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth

No need to read between the lines spelled out for you (spelled out for you)
Just hear this song cause you can’t go wrong when you value (better value)
A woman’s (woman’s)
Woman’s (woman’s)
WORTH!

Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth

October 7
bitethelamb: never give up

bitethelamb:

never give up

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Bogus Teen Bullshit

Once again another night where she rules the fucking how with her I cant calm down I’m so sick of my life my life is so terrible. There are people all over the world living on streets and not being able to eat or clothe themselves, but her life is so terrible. Just one night cant I just get one fucking night to sit and talk with my boyfriend about something other than his daughters teenage “I slept with a guy and he doesn’t love me” bullshit! But now we are fighting because she came home at almost 11pm last night when she was suppose to be home at 6pm and we caught her with the 17 year old/ will be 18 in a month sex fling she’s having and now she’s suppose to be grounded but oh she’s going to cry a few fucking tears and well I guess she could call her friend and talk to him if its going to calm her down WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yes now I am telling you that the night that you and I had planned is out the window and I want to be alone with a glass of wine and then go to bed early on a Friday night because I don’t want to sit and argue over the fact that your a friend to her and not a fucking parent. Maybe I was raised in a stricter home but come on lets not give her everything she fucking wants! I didn’t get to see you at all last weekend and now this weekend we are going to spend the fucking time we have together apart in the same fucking house tell me when we get to start having some time together! I’m beginning to think this shit will never change and I’m getting really sick and tired of busting my ass to make sure shit is done and all nice and what not for everyone around here and getting hatred in return! And what’s funny is while the world around you is falling apart because of the shit that she is pulling lets just focus on her drama so that we don’t notice until our world is crumbled around our feet boy wont that just be fun. And he says it’s all about giving her someone to talk to! Well how about me I don’t get to see my best friend/sister anymore because I’m too dam busy running around doing everything for you and your unapreciating kids! So when do I get someone to talk to huh FUCK THIS SHIT!